Rule of thumb: when a politician mocks another politician's eating habits, it means he (the first politician) is running scared of him (the second). (Change to she/her as appropriate.)

Forgive me, did I blunder by saying "rule of thumb"? Maybe I should have said "rule of fork". You see, I'm guessing that "civilized people" probably don't use their thumbs. I'm guessing this because Brandon Gill, Texas Congressman, recently announced to the world that "civilized people" don't eat food with their fingers.

Very true, Mr Gill! Right on the money! I'm sure you absolutely don't eat with your fingers, listing just a few, these food items: tacos, cookies, fried chicken ("finger-lickin' good!"), chocolate, apples and cakes. So please indulge me and show me how exactly you eat them with a fork. Or any other dining table implement.

Wait: you do eat them at a dining table, right? I mean, perish the thought that you ever munched on an apple while standing in your kitchen, or dipped into a bag of popcorn while watching a Cowboys game. Never, right? You civilized man, you!

And there's your equally civilized wife, Danielle, with whom I apparently share a name, if little else. Apparently too, she "did not grow up eating rice with my hands and have always used a fork". Apparently three, that forthright confession isn't enough by itself, since she underlines it with "I was born in America. I am a Christian MAGA patriot". Because apparently four, we must believe that birth in America comes with a fork, then you become a Christian MAGA patriot.

Have to spell that out, Danielle does. Because her "extended family lives in India", which might prompt you to assume they are not "civilized people" and then how would you know that she's a Christian MAGA patriot? Luckily though, that family is "also Christian and they use forks too."

Now I wasn't born in America, whether fork-equipped or otherwise. Nor am I a Christian MAGA patriot, whatever that is. But even so, maybe I can offer my namesake some food for thought - food to be eaten with a fork, naturally.

So Ms D'Souza Gill: Plenty of your namesakes in India - like me - eat with their fingers. I'm willing to bet that includes some of your extended family too, feel free to check with them. D'Souzas are like that, you know. Plenty of your co-religionists in India eat with their fingers too. Christians are like that, you know.

But maybe you're inclined not to pay attention to them? Spare a thought, then for the OG Christian. Yes, that man Jesus Christ. When he conjured up the miracle of the loaves and fishes, did he hand out forks to the multitude? Did he use one himself?

No, the entire assembled lot of them simply used their fingers. Even so, you'd agree, they were civilized and so was he.

So I want to leave you, Ms D'Souza Gill - well, let's include your husband too - with this thought. What would that OG Christian have made of your effort to link his religion and yours to the use of a fork while eating?

What should all of us - consumers of food, users of forks and hands - make of the both of you?